Dating is tricky at the best of times—but most people would say it was an equal field. You want a job—you go for it, the same with potential partners, no?
Yet a straw poll of my female friends in their late 20s/early 30s suggests otherwise. It seems women still rarely make the first move and we don’t think we should either. We shy away, hiding behind century-old ideals straight out of a Jane Austen novel where “respectable” women coyly displayed no more than the most subtle signs of flirtation. But we now take control of every other aspect of our lives, from work to family life, so why remain passive in love?
My friend Charlotte says: “I foolishly wait for guys to approach me in bars. I wouldn’t ever even go up and say hi. I fear that they will reject me because I have done the asking.” She admits that in every other area of her life her attitude is, “If I want this, I’m going to go for it, end of. But when it comes to guys, I don’t.”
I will confess that most of the time this is how I behave too. But I’d like to think there is no shame in rejection under such circumstances and when I have occasionally made a bold move (admittedly only where I have some pretty strong evidence they might like me) I’ve always felt better for it—even if rejected! Here is where having a slightly impatient streak can pay off in helping to overcome the nerves.
The fear
So what is the fear? We hang back as we imagine we will look too keen or, God forbid, “desperate”. We think that we can’t seem too available, or we’re worried that we might appear “easy”. So instead we hold out, trying to appear cool, showing only enough calculated interest not to put them off completely, waiting patiently, frustratingly, for the man to act first (and I’m not just talking real world—it applies to dating websites too. I know that my “friends”—ahem—who use sites would never dare do anything more than “wink” at a fellow datee, never mind sending them a message).
The stereotypes in this game don’t just apply to women: he’s not a “real” man if he doesn’t have the guts or the initiative to ask me out, I have heard women say. Men like the thrill of the chase. Men prefer to take the lead. Men get bored too easily.
Plus don’t forget the corrosive influence of The Rules, that perniciously popular dating guide which suggests that in order to be irresistible you should try, among other things, not returning calls and never being available less than five days in advance.
… although perhaps we are getting less old-fashioned than the chaps about it, if slowly. A recent survey by (yeek) Smooch.com suggests that only 44% of women believe a man should pay for dinner on a first date, compared to 64% of men, while 55% of women suggested that going Dutch was the best option (compared to 33% of the men surveyed).
So perhaps next time you’re wondering whether a man will call or utter the immortal words “fancy meeting for a drink?”, how about considering this: why not do it yourself? It’s empowering and liberating taking a risk and taking action. You might end up disappointed, you might not, but one thing is guaranteed: you will feel secure in the knowledge that you did something about it.
Just make sure you take your purse with you.